Wednesday 15 August 2018

Service Submission Series: Modern Etiquette

This doesn’t pertain exclusively to domestic service submission, but it is as good as any category to place these pieces of advice.

I hold to the creed that good service, stellar service really, is all about the details.  Service can be lavish, decadent even; I personally enjoy giving this type of service - but only if the receiver is receptive to this type of service of course.  Otherwise, I am selfishly foisting my own fantasy on the other person, and that just won’t do. Without all the trappings and trimmings, at the very heart, good service is about attention to details, being observant, being courteous, and having exquisite manners.  Even if the individual you are serving may not always observe certain niceties, I maintain it is always best to be as gracious and courteous as possible.

As such, I think the following pieces of advice in regards to modern manners and etiquette, would serve anyone who has an interest in domestic service submission very well, and place you in good stead.

  1. Personal electronic devices have no place on a table - There is a joke I have seen floating around the internet of a table place setting.  It asks the question “Do you see the place for your cell phone on the table in this picture?”, the answer of course being no, meaning that personal electronic devices should not be kept on the table.  When you have your cell phone resting on the table, it’s akin to those buzzers on those talent shows, you are just waiting for the other person to become “too boring” to warrant your attention. When you pick up your phone to play with it rather than talk to the person, you are basically saying you have no interest in what he/she has to say, and that your time is more valuable than his/hers.  If you are attempting to negotiate with a Dominant and you do this, what sort of impression do you think this leaves on the Dominant - do you think perhaps they might view this as an overall commentary on your level of commitment or your ability to communicate? If you are a Dominant and you are negotiating with a submissive and you start to play with your phone - do think that perhaps this might signal that you are only concerned with your needs and wants - and not open to discussing the needs and wants of the submissive?  Actions speak much louder than words, and we usually don’t verbalise to say “I see you’re playing with your phone - do you consider our negotiations here done since I no longer seem to capture your attention?”

If you need your phone handy because you are expecting a very important phone call - like your wife’s water is about to break - place the phone on vibrate, and place it in your shirt pocket, or inside your bra cup.  That way, you are certain to feel the vibration, and you can excuse yourself to take the call away from the table - preferably outside.

  1. Never show up to a meeting late - Like the cell phone issue, showing up late basically says you have no regard for the other person’s time, you are merely concerned about you and your own life.  Selfishness and being self centered has no room in domestic service submission - ever.

  1. Never show up without an invite or calling first - Unless you are so close to someone to consider them like a family member, it would be ill wise to show up to an individual's residence, work, family event - even public play event - without some sort of notification beforehand.  It is unfortunate that we live in an age where stalking is common, and the lingering after effects of such a trauma mean that the individual can never be “surprised” by a visit - even if well meaning. Before you drop in on someone - s-type or Dominant - be sure to communicate your intentions, and wait for some sort of acknowledgement.  For all you know, the person could be ill, or napping, or indisposed. Also, if you know someone will be at a public event, it might be wise before assuming you will share company for the evening, that you first ask. That individual might have play already organised, or perhaps he/she would like an evening with just friends of a certain calibre, and being in “submode” or “Dominantmode” isn’t where they would like to be.  Always better to ask first than need to beg for forgiveness after.

  1. Discussing others who are not present - Gossiping is just so destructive - and it says so much more about the person gossiping than it does about the person being spoken of.  When it comes to service submission, my credo is that a service submissive sees everything, knows all, says nothing. Now, if you were discussing something that involved yourself and another person, I wouldn’t consider that gossiping - especially if you were attempting to grasp what had happened in regards to your interaction.  Likewise, if you were attempting to get some insight on a person, I wouldn’t consider that gossip. I really have no faith in so called references - basically, you are asking a stranger to you for his/her opinion of yet another stranger to you - that to me just doesn’t make sense. If you wouldn’t want something ill said about you, perhaps it is a good habit not to speak ill of others.

  1. Familiarity with those you don’t know very well - This can be a very touchy subject, especially in the realm of BDSM.  There are many folks who wish to be addressed by certain honorifics, or titles, but often times we don’t know what they are unless we have been expressly told by the individual, or someone close to him or her.  It is always best to ask “How do you prefer to be addressed?”. The same goes for gender pronouns - there is nothing wrong in asking someone what pronouns make them most comfortable. Etiquette is not about alienating others, or using some sort of false privilege to be elite - it is about comfort, and more important making others feel comfortable.

  1. Ask before touching - There are many folks in the scene, many Dominants and pro Dommes, who I am familiar with on social media.  I know them to see them in public, and I feel comfortable enough saying hello. I do not feel comfortable enough touching them, in a friendly manner.  It may be a lack of courage that I don’t ask if they would be comfortable with a hug, or perhaps it is some sort of propriety I feel, but I would never just assume I could bear hug a pro Domme who interacts often on my Twitter feed.  I usually wait to see if the other person will make the first move - often by asking if a hug would be welcome - and it always is. Having a stranger hug me or touch me, or even someone I have met who is being overly touching, that sends me right out of the proper headspace, and I just want to remove myself from the situation.

  1. Certain subjects should never be spoken of in small talk - Here is a non-exhaustive list of subjects never to bring up in small talk: politics, religion, gender, sexuality, health, money, age, community disputes/quarrels, love affairs, incidents of disgrace.  When you are meeting someone new, any one of these hot topics could end the engagement very quickly if the wrong word or turn of phrase is spoken, so best to avoid them altogether. I find the best conversation starter is to ask the other person about him/herself - “What are you passionate about?”, “Do you enjoy art? Do you have a favourite artist?”, “Where did you last travel to?”, “Do you enjoy dining out?”, “What was your last adventure?”.  These types of questions often have the other person speaking about him or herself, and you can gleem much from such tales. Plus, such discussions can naturally lead off on tangents. When you feel more comfortable, certain topics such as “What about the D/s lifestyle appeals to you?” can be broached. If the individual doesn’t seem to be a conversationalist, either they are not interested in chatting, or perhaps too nervous, you can easily excuse yourself from the engagement by feigning the need for a biological break (ie. I need to go get a drink, I need to pee, I need to get out of here and talk to someone else).  Being a good conversationalist, and more importantly, an active and engaged listener is such an important and undervalued skill for a domestic service submissive.

These are just a few modern etiquette tips that will set you apart from the crowd - honestly, no matter which side of the slash you reside on.  I encourage you to research further, and you might find that not only is your domestic service valued, it will be in demand.

Tuesday 7 August 2018

Service Submission Series: Advice for the Unowned Service Submissive/Advice for the Single Dominant

It can be difficult or perhaps challenging for a domestic service s-type to gain experience or to practice skills if he/she/they is single or unowned. Certainly, it is easy enough to practice certain skills that might be relevant in the personal or home environment - cleaning, ironing, cooking, household budget maintenance - but it is difficult to serve oneself. It is also difficult to practice a scene to see if certain ideas or concepts play out as expected when one is a solitary service s-type.

So - what's the answer?

Well, there are a few options available.

First, and a personal favourite of mine, is freelancing. This is the method of offering service to really anyone, on either side of the D/s slash, to gain experience, to practice skills, and to demonstrate skills in person. My preferred approach is, while in my service outfit - which is highlighted by wearing white or black cotton gloves - to stand by, unobtrusively, with my serving tray, and wait until someone makes contact. This can be a risky approach because there is the assumption that someone will be courageous enough to ask what you are offering, or to recognize that you are available and willing to offer service. I have employed this approach in a play party setting and I have had some success.

I have been approached by both Dominants/Tops and s-types - for some, they have a butler fetish, so the gloves are particularly tantalizing; in another case, I was approached by a bottom who was inquiring on behalf of her Dominant. In a play party setting, it may be difficult to demonstrate all of your skills, or a particular skill, but you are able to demonstrate a willingness to attend to the needs of another, or the ability to follow direction in an efficient, humble, and intelligent manner. This demonstration could open doors or create possibilities later on.

There are a few bonuses or perks associated with freelance, such as variety of play. So, after an hour or evening of service, if you have pleased the person you are serving, you may be asked if you might be interested in some power exchange play - after appropriate discussion and negotiation of course. The perk to this being, if the person has much experience in an area of play you are particularly interested in, you get to indulge in a favourite style of play with someone who not only enjoys this style of play, but also someone who has expertise in the area. This can be a huge bonus if you are having difficulty finding a partner who may have the same interests as you. Another bonus being, the power exchange relationship only lasts for a fixed amount of time - perhaps for an evening or a weekend. Perhaps after some time, you realize that you and the person you are serving are not a good fit, for whatever reason. Not a problem, you are not committed to each other outside of current, negotiated exchange. This is not a guarantee though, so if your motivation for offering service is in anticipation of being played with, I am afraid you will end up disappointed quite often.

A second option available to the 'unemployed' service s-type is to offer service to a BDSM oriented friend. It may be in the form of attending a Top friend for the evening at an event, or assisting a bottom friend at home. In both cases, it is a great opportunity to practice a certain skill set that you may not be able to practice alone or in your own home. It is also a great opportunity to get honest feedback. Perhaps it is your first time being a body servant, or perhaps you are attempting to fix a meal for the first time. A critique, be it negative or positive, always sounds better when given by a friend. This is also a great time to try out new ideas to see if these imagined methodologies are feasible or practical. You get real time experience without a scene or service opportunity possibly going south.

If you don't have a friend in the local BDSM community to practice with, perhaps you could advertise for a volunteer at a local BDSM gathering or on a BDSM oriented posting board. Explain that it would be a practical run through opportunity and outline exactly what you wish to try, and explicitly negotiate or detail the framing of this exchange. As with rope and corporal play, you will find there will friendly folk who are willing to be a demo dolly for you - especially if you offer a hand or foot massage for your volunteer. You again have someone who can provide feedback, as well as creating a real time environment where you can walk through your envisioned scenario.

Lastly, for certain skill sets, invite friends or family over - especially in the case of entertaining. Perhaps you want to practice setting a formal place setting and serving a multi-course meal, invite over your family or friends for a meal. You need not explain or go into details about the purpose of the meal, other than you enjoy entertaining, but it is an opportunity to hone your skills or keep your skills in good shape. In the same vein, if you are particularly interested in cleaning and organizing, you can volunteer whenever a friend or acquaintance needs help with a project, or if they might be moving, or they could just really use someone to tackle the bathroom - as an example.

Even if you might be an unowned or unemployed or unpartnered domestic service s-type, this is not a hindrance to furthering your skills or polishing your current talents. There are still possibilities available to you to gain experience or to keep your abilities sharp and in shape, it just might require a little creative brainstorming - but that's what we do best is it not?

For a Dominant, it is equally important to get practice with receiving service, in fact, receiving different forms of service - that appeal to the Dominant in question of course. If a Dominant doesn’t enjoy having his or her feet touched, then there’s no point in participating in such an activity - again, service should be pleasing, easing, and should make life happier.

The ideas for s-types to gain experience/knowledge are similar for a Dominant - ask a service oriented s-type friend for practice scenarios or sessions. This could be in a private setting, in public at a lifestyle type gathering, or even in a vanilla public area. For the latter, I would of course caution what service is being given/received. For something like chauffeuring, or running errands, or even just being a porter, no one will be the wiser if a Dominant has a service s-type carrying his or her bags.

You could ask a service oriented s-type friend to cook for a dinner party you are organizing. You would need to make many decisions before approaching a service s-type with such a request - such as, what type of event is it, what your budget is, how many invitees, what sort of menu etc. It is probably best to gain an understanding of what sort of style the service s-type you wish to “employ” enjoys - does he/she/they enjoy planning a menu, or do they want the direction? How much management is appreciated?

If you see a service oriented s-type at an event offering service, take the opportunity to engage with said s-type. They are most likely offering his/her/their services to practice, so by accepting the service - though you are under no obligation - you are helping them refine his/her/their service, or perhaps gain practical experience to see if what he/she/they imagined is actually feasible in a certain setting. This also gives you the opportunity to practice the art of allowing.

When approaching a service oriented s-type, it is recommended to either have an idea of what you could offer in return for service performed - keeping in mind that offering something in exchanged for service doesn’t necessarily mean play or sex - or at least be willing to reciprocate. When a service oriented s-type is offering service, he/she/they is willing to expend energy, so accepting the service doesn’t necessarily put you in the position of offering something in return, though it is always appreciated. If however you approach a service oriented s-type and specifically ask them to perform service, your request would be better received if the request was followed up by “And we should discuss what you would like to gain from our service interaction” - or something to that effect. Performing good service, that energy exchange, does take effort, and it should not be assumed that this effort or energy is replenished on it’s own, or by someone else. Certainly, service oriented submissives enjoy a job well done, we delight in you being happy, but there needs to be some care and feeding of the soul, to bolster the spirit of giving.

Being an unowned or single submissive or Dominant need not be a hindrance when it comes to the subject of domestic service submission. By being creative, a little forward thinking, as well as being confident, it is possible to engage with others, and experience the same service power exchange as those who are in committed service relationships. Don’t let being single be a speed bump in your service explorations, but rather let it be a launch pad to a wide and wondrous experiences of every variety.